An Alamo Drafthouse in Brooklyn, y'all.

Cody and I made the decision to move here without knowing that our favorite theater chain was following us. We had gone three years in Houston without an Alamo Drafthouse (sorry, that 45 minutes outside of the loop shit does not count), and so we knew we could handle a few more in New York City.

But then it happened. We saw all of the ads announcing the opening. And then the next set of ads announcing the delay in opening. But it was all worth it to be able to take a 15-minute subway ride to see a movie at the Alamo.

"Favorite" does not even really begin to describe it. Our first date was at the Highball, an Alamo restaurant. I surprised Cody with tickets to the Tommy Boy Quote-a-long for our fourth. We saw Joel from Mystery Science Theater 3000 speak in the first year. We go there on Thanksgiving, Christmas, every holiday. We didn't see movies anywhere else. Cody gets hives when he has to taste popcorn without that delicious parmesan truffle butter. 

When the time came to pick a rehearsal dinner spot, the choice was obvious: the Highball. They even let us do weird things, like make punny menu cards to go along with each course. We love the Alamo for its quirky weirdness, fun events (what isn't awesome about watching Jaws on an inner tube on a lake??), amazing decor, no talking policy (normal theaters are just annoying at this point), and most of all, the beer and food. 

...So we were pretty stoked when we found out about this Alamo.

There's just one problem: they don't serve pizza. Yes, no pizza at a New York City-based establishment. They serve this shit called "flatbread." This is not pizza. This is an idea of pizza from someone who is listing ingredients off the top of their head, but manages to forget EVERYTHING THAT MAKES IT PIZZA. 

The waiter said it was "basically the same thing." Looking back, we should have tipped more because that person clearly had an aneurysm. A flatbread is a bunch of vegetables on a large cracker with a bit of cheese. Like a fancy cocktail party appetizer that no one actually eats unless they are absolutely starving and trying to not get drunk so fast. 

Look, anything that is being sold to vaguely resemble pizza needs to have some type of sauce and some type of cheese. This is the formula. It's worked for ages. People love it.

I just don't understand. It doesn't make any sense. What are you thinking, Tim League? Here are my possible explanations:

  1. You're afraid. New York City is a pizza city. I feel like I've heard quite a few people here claim that New York City invented pizza (who also haven't heard of Naples, but it's cool). Look, I'm not saying that you need to compete with Roberta's. I'm saying that I believe in you. I've tasted the pizza and calzones at Alamo - and they're good. Plus, you don't actually have to close up shop and leave the city immediately if a native New Yorker doesn't like it. Side note: you took all of this time to have locally sourced beers and wines. I tried to come up with a metaphor here to show how wildly off-putting that is, but I just couldn't. It's just too out there.
  2. You've gone insane. Opening this franchise was notoriously difficult and frankly, there's a lot to live up to when you know that a lot of native Austinites are banking on your movies to forget about how high their rent is. It's a lot of pressure. I get it. Look, this is no excuse. Even an insane person would have put pizza on the menu. Even an insane person knows that flatbreads are what you serve if you want people to think, "wow, so artsy" or "nice and light, can't wait to eat a dozen donut-holes when I get home." 
  3. You forgot. I forget things all of the time. I am constantly forgetting that I changed my last name. Nothing screams "credit card fraud" more than blurting out two last names in quick succession and then shrugging when you need to close your tab. Here's the thing though: I fix it when I remember it. No one will blame you. You had an "oops." Just put the pizza back on the menu. 

OK, anyway, I am sure this will reach Tim League and then we can all have pizza. 

Anyways, here are a few puns from Cody: "Flatbread? More like crapbread." "Flatbread? More like shitbread." "Flatbread? More like borinanabread." "Flatbread? More like Disappointbread." "The dough in the flatbread doesn't rise to the occasion" "Flatbread? More like fatbread." "Anyway you slice it, flatbread sucks." "Pepperoni nipples." "Flatbread is too expensive, we're not part of the upper crust yet."